The Manuscript Is (Nearly) Complete

a journey through grief

Hi Timoth,

CONGRATULATIONS on a finished manuscript! I hope you do something special to celebrate.

It was just over a year ago when I began my journey with Tehom Center Publishing as part of their Winter “Ministry from the Margins” Cohort. At the encouragement of many of you, I had decided to see what it would take to put the writing I had done since Peter’s death into some sort of published work.

Yes, I had “published” much of it already on my various social media platforms. And now I was looking to see what might come of it from there.

I think I first learned of the Tehom Center on Facebook. They are a nonprofit press that publishes the works of marginalized voices… with an intentional uplifting of authors who are BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, & People of Color) as well as those who know themselves to be feminist and queer.

And with just a toe in those deep waters as a cis-gender, white male, I am honored to be working with them… and so very grateful for the guidance I am receiving along the way.

In the first session of our winter cohort I recall sharing an idea birthed from my grief journey. Relying heavily on the pieces I had already written about life since Peter’s death, I wondered what it would be to publish them in a book about queer grief. And having done an internet search for “queer grief,” I found that there was not very much out there as for resources specific to the queer experience in times of great loss.

I knew in my bones that the grief I am living is unique. I am the only one who was married to Peter. Well… I was the one married to him when he died. That first marriage of his… we’re not going to talk about.

My grief is unique because it was my husband who died. And my grief is also unique because I am queer. It is so very different to navigate the death of a spouse when not adhering to many of the culture’s neat little boxes for marriage and relationships.

And ultimately, that is what I set out to write about.

Working with the incredible Rev. Dr. Angela Yarber, the founder of Tehom Center, I moved step-by-step through the writing process that has now culminated in that glorious message of CONGRATULATIONS she shared with me recently.

And yes, I do, indeed, have a finished manuscript in my possession.

Well… there are still a few little things to add. For the most part, it is complete.

I have to add the Dedication. That ones easy. Because he would constantly insist that I am destine to do more than pastor local churches, this book is dedicated fully to Peter. He was my greatest support. My cheerleader. My advocate, encourager, and number one fan.

And he was… he is, my muse.

This book is for him. And it puts a knot in my stomach to acknowledge that this book is also because of him… because of his death. I obviously wouldn’t be writing about my own queer grief if he were still alive.

I also need to add my Acknowledgments to the manuscript, giving thanks for others who have been instrumental in this process. And this one is tough… only because there are so many people I want to thank. There have been so many people, so many of you who have walked alongside me and our boys this past year and a half. I know that I would not be where I am today, upright and taking nourishment, if it weren’t for you. You all have drawn me out of what was once a quivering, sniffling mess and shown me what it is to keep living.

I know I won’t be able to name you all. I do hope I have had opportunity along the way, as well as in the years to come, to make it known to you how much I appreciate you and your presence… even if your name doesn’t appear on the pages of the book. So as to not leave anyone out, I will probably keep the Acknowledgements more succinct by focusing primarily, if not solely, on those who have had a hand in making this book a reality.

In addition to these two pieces, I’ll be adding a “Note from the Author” as well as some summary thoughts. And then with that… the manuscript will be complete.

Well… it is still being proofed. And proofed again. And proofed a few more times… by me and others… before it is handed over to Tehom Center in preparations for publication and release in October.

Oh… let me tell you a bit more about the book itself. Yes, I stuck with “queer grief.” I focused the bulk of the book on what it was to navigate the well-known stages of grief made popular by renowned psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in addition to also including the work presented by grief expert, David Kessler in his book; “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.”

And I have birthed, from my own queer experience, one additional stage. “Coming Out” is the seventh stage presented in the book. And, not surprisingly, it is an incredibly meaningful section of the book for me.

To stay with “queer grief” and what that experience has been for me, I have leaned into the idea that I, and so many others, do not often grieve as expected or anticipated based on scholarly grief work. We queer our grief.

And so the book itself sets out what could be the choreography for a life-giving dance through grief’s various (non-linear) stages as I detail what it is for any of us (queer or not) to “Queer the Stages of Grief.”

I cannot be more excited than I am in this very moment for what this has become. And yes, I hate that it is only possible because of Peter’s death. And I also know that in this book’s publication, and in the sharing of our story, Peter’s memory will live on as a blessing to all who move through its pages.

The process of putting it together has proven that for me. I hope it will be the same for others.

So… the manuscript is (nearly) complete. The process that leads to publication is well underway. And this October, what I am calling “Grieving Differently” will make its way into the hands and hearts of others whom I can only hope will find worth within its pages.

I look forward to that day!

Hey… if you’ve read this far, be sure to check out Tehom Center Publishing at tehomcenter.org. Perhaps you or someone you know who finds themselves in a marginalized community could be one of Tehom Center’s next published authors. I’d be excited to read what you share