Jacob Is Home!

A journey through grief

I positioned myself over the back of the couch so that I could watch out the window for him to arrive. If anyone had peered into the large bay window at the front of the house, they may have found it a bit comical when they saw this 42-year old man propped up like a kid waiting for Santa Claus.

Thankfully, living on a dead end street, I only needed to monitor the street in one direction. And there were so few cars coming down our way that I wasn’t overwhelmed with each one. I was watching for only one car… one very important car carrying very special cargo.

Eleven years ago today, Jacob was brought to our home… to stay.

He had already visited numerous times… as was protocol for the foster to adopt process. And then the green light was given. Peter and I were well on our way to becoming parents.

The requirement was that Jacob had to live with us for at least six months before we could officially adopt him. But we knew that the moment he walked in that door that day, he was ours.

Our son. Gosh, it feels so weird to think of that moment. In part because it was something Peter and I never truly thought possible. We’d been together for just shy of eleven years at that point. And neither of us had really planned for a family.

Here’s how it all happened…

A member of the congregation I was serving had posted a desperate plea on Facebook. Their grandchildren had been removed by DCYF (Department of Children, Youth and Families) and the two children had been placed in separate foster homes. The plea shared on social media was an effort to find someone to foster the two children together.

Peter and I saw the post. Our hearts broke. And then we discussed what it might be like for us to step forward and foster these two children. And it was clear very quickly that we were on the same page.

We met with the grandparent to get more information and then made our first contact with DCYF to inquire about becoming foster parents.

We didn’t get to foster the two children we had first inquired about because another home was found pretty quickly that would take them both in. But the conversation had already begun.

Peter and I decided that we would stick with the direction we were heading and commit to the foster care training offered by DCYF in hopes of finding another child, two actually, that we could then foster and hopefully adopt.

Yes, we had already decided that adoption was going to be our goal.

For ten weeks, a total of 30 hours, Peter and I participated in the training. We learned all that we could about what it would take to be good foster parents. We learned about the foster care system… too much about it, perhaps. We learned the good and the bad. And despite some of the horrific stories and the blatantly obvious flaws in the system, we kept on.

To be in that process alongside Peter was amazing! To my surprise, he quickly became both the class clown and the teacher’s pet. In fact, we became very close with the instructor and kept her in our back pocket throughout our years of navigating the system. She was an invaluable asset in our story.

Once we completed the ten weeks of instruction as well as the official home study that was required, we treated ourselves to a much-needed vacation. We flew down to Florida for a week to relax and to debrief the experience we just had.

I should mention that early on in our training we had inquired of the instructor about a particular child that we had come to know about through the foster to adopt pipeline. This child checked off all of our “boxes” in regard to age, history and health.

The child we were considering was a seven-year old boy with a traumatic past that landed him in the foster system and a clinical diagnosis that placed him squarely in the neurotypical community.

He was also one that we had seen in a television segment called Tuesday’s Child. He was being featured as one of the many children in Rhode Island that was considered “free for adoption.”

That’s such a bizarre phrase. It simply means that the parental rights for this child had either been, or were about to be terminated making the child “free” to be considered for adoption.

We watched the video at least a hundred times. Listening to his quiet voice speak the last word in each line of the song; “You Are My Sunshine.” (It’s still his favorite today!) We watched him play on playground equipment, sliding down slides and swinging on swings. We watched him… and fell in love.

When we inquired about him to our instructor we instantly found ourselves being interrogated.

“How much experience do you have working with children who have special needs?”

Well… Peter has significant experience as he has been employed in day programs for youth and young adults with special needs. Next.

“How flexible is your schedule? You’re going to have to be present for many doctor’s visits and school meetings in order to meet this child’s many needs.”

Well… I’m a Pastor and in many ways, set my own schedule. I can work around the appointments to ensure we are present for them all. Next.

“Are you ready to take on such a challenging child?”

Well… we don’t know. We don’t know what we don’t know. We just know that this child touched our hearts and something deep within us said he needed to be our son.

Weeks went on. We continued in our training with the hope of one day welcoming this child into our hearts and into our home.

And then the news came.

It seems that another family that had already completed their training and receive their license to foster was expressing interest in the same child we had asked about. And from what we were told, they were going to be an amazing family for him. One spouse worked as a social worker and the other as a teacher in a special needs program at a local school. They also had a young daughter that would be a great sibling for him.

Hopes dashed, we pressed on. We considered and inquired about other children while still in our training, in hopes that at least one of them would be a match and still available once our license was received.

Fast forward again to that vacation we took after the ten weeks and the flight we took home when it ended. Our plane landed on the runway of our nearby airport. Our phones immediately came out and Peter and I began checking text messages and emails.

Almost at the same time we found an email in our shared account titled; “Congratulations!” We had received our license to foster. And the second line of the email said; “Oh, and by the way… Jacob’s available again.”

The child we had been drawn to initially.

The little boy with autism and neurological challenges as a result of early childhood abuse and neglect.

The playful seven-year old we had envisioned as part of our lives was once again “free for adoption.” And we wanted him to be ours.

And now he is!

Still positioned in the bay window, I watched as the car finally arrived, turned around at the end of the street and parked in front of our house. I jumped off the couch, hollering to Peter, and running for the door.

Our son was home.

Later that day, Peter posted this to his Facebook page:

“The stork arrived.....IT’S A BOY!!!!

39LBS...43 inches… Jacob is home!”

Eleven years! Jacob has lived with us for eleven years!

Jacob made me a Papa and Peter a Daddy. And he made us the happiest we could ever be!

These years have been filled with so many amazing memories that would never have been possible had someone not put a desperate plea up on Facebook, had Peter and I opted to not continue the path toward fostering, had the family that inquired about Jacob gone forward with meeting him and taking him in.

And yes, there have been significant challenges along the way… even more now that Peter is gone.

And yet I wouldn’t change any of it. Not a single bit.

Because Jacob is home! And he’s here to stay!