I Learned How To Juggle When Peter Died
A journey through grief
For more years than I can recall, I have had a set of the starter juggling balls from Juggling For Klutz™. I honestly don’t remember how I acquired them, whether they were a gift or an impulse purchase. They are a bizarre possession for me… because I’ve never been known for my juggling.
Although, these past couple of days I came to a realization. With no help from the Klutz™ balls, I have actually learned to juggle quite well.
I learned how to juggle when Peter died.
Now the type of juggling I’m doing might not be sanctioned by Klutz™, in part because I’m not using their product. It also may not be recognizable to them or to others for whom juggling has become a past time.
The juggling I have taken on might be unrecognizable to some because you actually can’t see anything being juggled. There is nothing being thrown into the air repeatedly in a pattern of throw and catch, left and right. No, the things that I have learned to juggle can’t be used in that way because they aren’t “things,” per se.
I learned how to juggle when Peter died because so much fell into my lap. Responsibilities which I am trying to attend to, all at the same time, without dropping anything.
I guess another good analogy could have been spinning plates. But I don’t have any Klutz™ products that would have worked for that.
Here, let me show you… here are some of what I am currently juggling, doing my darnedest to make sure none of which get dropped, ignored or forgotten.
Since Peter died, I have been juggling:
The day-to-day care of our three boys.
Getting them up for school.
Making sure they are fed.
Shopping for the groceries.
Learning how to cook (because Peter did the cooking)
Helping them with homework.
Reminding them to do their chores.
Washing their laundry.
Getting them to bed at a decent hour.
Communicating with their teachers.
Working with a Behavior Specialist to get in-home resources for one of our boys.
Dealing with school transportation issues.
Shopping for school clothes.
Researching driving schools.
Celebrating two (soon to be three) birthdays.
Taking our youngest son for a brain MRI.
Working with an attorney on guardianship of our eldest son.
Working with another attorney on probate for Peter’s estate.
Working with another attorney on probate for the house in Maine.
Contacting the heating company when the furnace stops working… twice.
Dealing with a remediation company after a pipe froze and burst at the house in Maine.
Emailing/Calling the insurance company… repeatedly.
Calling contractors to find someone to rip out all of the floors and replace them.
Dealing with social security now that our eldest is almost 18.
Contacting the landscaping company to do the fall cleanup in Maine.
Contacting the snow removal guy to ensure the driveway is going to get plowed.
Contacting the realtor to ask for help in getting a “date of death appraisal” on the house.
Hiring someone to sit with our eldest on Sundays while I lead worship.
Shopping for birthday presents.
Shopping for Christmas presents.
Taking the dogs to the kennel for the time we will be in Maine.
Breaking our boys’ hearts when telling them we won’t be going to Maine. (frozen/burst pipe)
Wrapping Christmas presents.
Celebrating Christmas.
Dispensing the boys’ medicine three times each day.
Remembering to take my own medicine.
Scheduling dentist appointments for the boys.
Scheduling dentist appointment for me.
Scheduling my annual physical.
Scheduling an appointment at the bank to open an account for Peter’s Estate.
Taking one son to the urgent care when he was sick.
Taking another son to the emergency room when he was sick.
Having my car inspected.
Updating the registration on my car.
Taking my car to the auto body shop for repairs. (because someone hit it)
Washing bedding almost daily (eldest son still wets the bed)
Bringing outside furniture in for the winter.
Going to football games where one son is playing in the marching band.
Attending High School band concerts.
Maintaining our 65 gallon aquarium (this was 100% Peter’s job)
Working to get someone into the house in Maine to measure all of the floors for repair.
And I haven’t even begun to list the things I juggle for work.
Though it’s not quite their thing, I still think that after reading this list, the people at Klutz™ would be impressed… or exhausted. I know I am.
Now, for those of you still reading… thank you. Thank you for sticking through this one.
Please know that this is not my attempt at garnering a bunch of sympathy or a slew of offers to help juggle a bit of this. Writing it was therapeutic, in a way. Getting it out there. Showing myself what I am accomplishing. Reminding myself that I’m just one person and that with our boys as my first priority, I’m doing pretty good.
Heck, I’ve kept those boys alive for nearly five months without Peter. I have to celebrate that!
I know that many other single parents out there could compile similar lists, probably much longer. And I respect that and them immensely. This shit’s hard. And I’ve only been juggling for a few months. There are others who have been doing this for years.
My hope is that it gets a bit easier at some point. Muscle memory kicks in and I will no longer have to think about the throw and catch or the left and right of it all.
Until then… I’ll keep doing what I’m doing, trying hard not to let anything fall.
